Why have we made a silent, unspoken agreement to not do significant work in the world?
I am tired of having long, endless, polite conversations about discrimination and hate. I am tired of executives who keep asking me for the "business case" for diversity as if another notebook of statistics will finally make them pay attention like the other 120 notebooks of data have not. I am tired of going to meetings to hear about the state of our communities relative to race or other diversity issues only to hear talking heads present illegible PowerPoint bar charts about disparities in graduation rates between blacks and whites.
Good lord, don't we know all this already? Raise your hand if you are white and straight and would volunteer for the rest of your life to be treated as people of color and GLBTQ people are treated in this country. If your hand isn't raised, then you know we have to do something about the discrimination GLBTQ people and people of color--and others--face DAILY. If your hand isn't raised, then you know this is going on and you cannot pretend not to know any longer.
Are we delaying action by insisting on more data because we don't know what to do, or because we like the status quo because it is by and large working for us, or because we are just damned lazy or overworked or too busy saving up for that summer house?
I am also damned tired of people being killed just for being who they are. Are other people so threatening to us that we must disavow and hurt and even kill them? That is so much about who we are, and not about who those targets of our hate are. It is our trash, and we need to stop it. What are we afraid of?
Ellen DeGeneres, in talking today about a 15-year-old boy recently shot in the head by a classmate because he was gay, offers this challenge (and resources) on her website:
“I would like you to start paying attention to how often being gay is the punchline of a monologue or how often gay jokes are in a movie,” DeGeneres said to an estimated 2.5 million viewers. “And that kind of message, laughing at someone because they’re gay, is just the beginning. It starts with laughing at someone, and then it’s verbal abuse, then it’s physical abuse, and it’s this kid Brandon killing a kid like Larry.”
The reason these things continue to happen, I firmly believe, is because we allow them by not doing significant work in the world. If you are a parent, a teacher, a community member, a human being living on this planet, it is your work to do. Let's stop fooling ourselves that we are too insignificant to make a difference, that it is not our work in the world to make this planet hospitable to all humans. Let's stop fooling ourselves that another slide presentation will make a difference, that we don't already know what's happening in Darfur and, for that matter, in classrooms across our country. If we could solve these problems with data, they'd be solved by now. If we could solve these problems by having another conference in a nice warm location with a lot of people dressed up in suits, they'd be solved by now.
Perhaps I can't change the world. But I can damn sure raise two children who will know what it means to consider every person they meet to be as fully, beautifully human as they are.
Twenty things you can do today:
1. Show this young man's family you care by signing the guestbook on the site erected to remember Larry.
2. If you are a parent, buy books that demonstrate that diversity is beautiful. Read them to your children. Then read them again.
3. Devote a year to getting to know someone who scares you.
4. Read magazines that reflect interests and realities that are not your own. Go to a newsstand. What's a magazine you would never read? That's the one to buy and read, cover to cover. Next week, pick another one.
5. Walk toward people you perceive to be different from you, not away from them.
6. Every week, ask and really listen to someone's story. Where did they grow up? What are their best memories of their childhood? Find out what you have in common beyond the ways you are different.
7. Mentor a child.
8. When you hear a gay joke, or a black joke, or any other kind of demeaning humor in a film or TV show, write the producers. Let them know it's not alright.
9. Be an advocate for someone.
10. Pay attention to the subtle ways in which we tell people "you're not normal."
11. Be an effective ally for GLBTQ people.
12. Be outraged by your own racism.
15. Consider yourself part of the solution.
16. Replace "they" with "we" with "I"
17. Be as outraged about racism as people of color are.
18. Release your attachment to being right if it is keeping you from being effective.
19. Educate yourself on what to say when people tell homophobic, racist, sexist, or other hurtful jokes.
20. Do these things every day for a long, long time. Or just until you'd be willing to be treated every day as are those of us who are GLBTQ or people of color--or women, for that matter.
Excellent. By not standing up and being proactive against this stuff means that you are sitting down to allow it.
Posted by: John Ptak | 29 February 2008 at 22:19
All I can muster to say right now is "Ho."
Love
Posted by: Lisa Gates | 29 February 2008 at 22:51
beautiful. i'm right with you! i randomly came across your post and have now fallen head over heals for your blog! :)
i love #13. by no means am i perfect (or even close to) but i do try to love the unlovable. i'm pretty sure that its the secret to peace! we wonder why world peace is so impossible, we should start looking at ourselves. we are the root of evil. nobody is innocent! thank you for your post! im excited to keep reading more!
Posted by: AshleyL. | 29 February 2008 at 23:18
pheww ! Patti so much to think about. The problem is changing people's hearts. I was born in South Africa of white parents who were anti apartheide activists who decided to leave in 1977 when they percieved that there was nothing peaceable that could be done to change the situation and as they were pacifists they could not take up arms. They wanted me and my brother to grow up in a non racist country... of course living here in Scotland I've had to slowly learn ALL about the prejudices that people hold, racism here is the tip of the iceberg, sectarianism is a huge huge problem as well. Of course because I was percieved to have an 'English' accent I was the recipient of anti-English sentiment for many many years. A magnificent lesson for someone who grew up in a prison of privilege because of her skin! But I only really began to grow up when I started to unravell the other prejudices I held against other groups. Sigh... its hard very hard and I don't feel that I've made a huge amount of progress. I do think however there is a connection with how deeply confortable and accepting one is of oneself and then of other people
Posted by: m | 01 March 2008 at 04:53
Patti, thanks for always speaking truth. I am humbled and motivated/inspired. I'm sending this to as many people as I can and may we all rise up and follow your 20 guidelines and begin to change our daily world.
Posted by: esther louie | 01 March 2008 at 08:10
I love this, and as usual have tears in my eyes as I read it for the 2nd time.
The real challenge for me in "getting to know someone who scares you" is that the people who scare me are the people who hate like this.
Posted by: Julie | 01 March 2008 at 08:32
I did #1 immediately and I am going to show the clip to my family. My hope is that it touches them as deeply.
Posted by: Dawn | 01 March 2008 at 08:47
I love your rant transformed into actions.
Posted by: David Zinger | 01 March 2008 at 12:30
Such a powerful message. As a parent, I am saddened to hear the use of the word "gay" used by our youth as a derogatory slur. As an adult, I am disgusted by our use of the term with ridicule, mockery and hate. As a sister I am heartbroken when I see my own flesh and blood suffer due to ignorance, prejudice and hate. My heart goes out to all the Larrys and Brandons in the world. We can make a difference but we have to start today!
Posted by: Suzanne | 01 March 2008 at 12:47
Thanks Patti,
Perfect timing, I was just getting really discouraged with an inclusion initiative I have been working on. This reminds me of why we must do this work even when the backlash feels yucky.
Posted by: Christine Martell | 01 March 2008 at 15:02
As the mother of a 6 year old daughter, and as a lesbian, and as a woman, and as a single parent, hearing of yet another brutal act against a gay/lesbian person sends chills through me. I have spent years living in a community that is mostly appreciative of our family, but am also aware that there aren't many communities out there where we are even tolerated, much less appreciated. I live my life completely openly, honestly, and without shame. My daughter in turn lives her young life the same way. It's a crying shame so many people are threatened by it, but it's my primary way of hopefully changing the way others perceive and fear me. Thanks for addressing such an important issue in such a passionate way, Patti.
Posted by: Allyson | 01 March 2008 at 20:03
Powerful post ... with much important food for thought and practical suggestions! I'll be adding a link to this post at my blogs today ... and perhaps at Everyday Kindness too. Thank you so much for this timely reminder that the choices we make and the actions we take can and do make a difference!
Hugs and blessings,
Posted by: storyteller | 02 March 2008 at 10:04
I'm sending your post to everyone I can think of. I recently returned from a conference in a sunny location where people showed powerpoints about the continued inequities in higher education. While I agree with you that we should already know all that disturbing information, I don't think we can stop presenting the information that the problems are, in fact, getting worse. You can't say it too many times. And YOU can't stop saying what you say. Another of your posts reinforces that one person really can and should make a difference. Sometimes speakers and writers have to be that one person. You're doing good work, grumpy Patti. Perhaps we should change your bracelet.
Posted by: Miss G. Marshall | 03 March 2008 at 15:12
Thanks so much for this! This was so powerful that I emailed your URL to everyone I know and linked it on my blog. Although I am gay it makes me sad to see how many ways I, too, practice bigotry and discrimination in ways large and small. None of us are immune!
Posted by: Bryan Block | 04 March 2008 at 10:41
Yes, thank you for this post. It has certainly given me something to think about. I'm with Bryan, none of us are immune.
Posted by: Denys | 04 March 2008 at 18:34
Thank you.
Posted by: Lindy Dreyer | 14 July 2008 at 12:38
When I go to the grocery store in the less-than-lovely part of town, not the natural foods store but the store where I go to get cat litter and trash bags and those kinds of things, my girlfriend and I don't hold hands. We don't ever kiss in that parking lot, we don't talk with our faces almost touching and laugh and look into each others' eyes. And I don't know for sure if this is because some of those people, the "locals", the rural southern hometown folks, are scared of us or because I'm scared of them. Or both.
But I know that in relationships when I've been with men I haven't had that fear, haven't censored myself so much, haven't looked around to be sure I wasn't being judged.
And I don't know for sure if that speaks to other people's biases or my own about those other people...
Posted by: jeannie | 30 July 2008 at 06:49
I want to post a gentle reminder that when the butt of the jokes are white men, it's just as bad as when the butts are gay men or blonde women. It's all tearing down a set of people to make the collective "us" feel more comfortable. White men are safe to belittle constantly. Just watch the commercials on television to see how inept they are presented. And sitcoms generally present the men, both white and non-white, as generally inept so that women feel more empowered by watching these shows. And empowerment based on the tearing down of others is an empty empowerment, IMHO.
Posted by: Kim | 30 July 2008 at 22:52
Thank you for being willing to open the door of self-reflection to really look inside and see how I may contribute to the divisions and separation existing within this world...In my community, I have been to a group which blames Israel for all of the world's problems, I have listened to a man speak with a certain venom about all Jews...I grew up with several comments made to me about being Jewish, which is funny because I don't even identify a lot as such...but still when I hear remarks of hatred or read about white supremacists groups killing a black man in our town or vandalizing a temple and painting a swastika on it, I am left wondering less about how I may understand another and more about how I may transform my consciousness from one of fear to one of love...perhaps, the Dalai Lama's example of compassion towards the Chinese may be one way to address whatever example of separation we may be experiencing...no one is left out of this equation...we are either " all " interconnected or we aren't...Thank you again for opening up the doorway.
Posted by: mysticpoet | 01 September 2008 at 16:09
Jung wrote that the conflict within we do not become conscious of, approaches us from the outside as fate (paraphrase). So much of the work we need to do as a culture needs to take place on both fronts, the inner and the outer: individuals acting on the action items you offer above AND individuals wrestling with the fact that these horror stories are not just out there, over there, or them; that they reflect what and who we are.
Posted by: Richard Reeve | 20 November 2008 at 19:39