37days

A is for advocate

We fight for men and women whose poetry is not yet written. –Robert Gould Shaw, abolitionist

In 2008, I will be a better advocate for those who need—and want—my advocacy.

Long ago on a faraway planet, I once worked in an organization where I sat through a management meeting every Monday. Dante’s Ninth Circle of Hell no longer scares me. Been there. No, actually, it wasn’t that bad. I learned a lot. But sometimes…

One memorable Monday morning, the debate centered on what kinds of notices employees could—and, more importantly, COULD NOT—put on the employee bulletin board in the break room. Nothing sparks a good week at work like legislating the behavior of people you presumably trust enough to represent your organization on CNN to the entire universe, to spend the organization’s money by the thousands, and to write your news releases. Just can't trust 'em with that employee bulletin board, no-sirree-bob.

The debate centered on the appearance of a notice about a gay-friendly picnic that was being held the next month. Up to this point, all had been right with the world, what with all the notices for yard sales and pet sitters and used bikes, until the “gay” word appeared. Add “picnic” and presumably the world as we know it is ending.

I listened incredulously as my peers debated for more than an hour whether this, in fact, was an appropriate use of the employee bulletin board. Hmmm…let’s see. An employee put the notice on the employee bulletin board about something that obviously meant a great deal to the employee. I’m not sure how many more times we can use the word employee in that equation.

One vice president in particular was agitated by the very idea. The debate raged on: “What if?” and “What if?” and “What if?” as I thought to myself, “Man, what if I get hit by a bus on the way home. I’m gonna be really pissed that I spent my last two hours on earth like this.” “What if a picnic is just a picnic,” I thought, continuing my internal reverie. “And what if gay people are as fully human as you are?” I screamed inside my head.

“What if this is just a way to recruit people to be gay?” I heard him say loudly and angrily. “I guess if the KKK wanted to put up a recruitment poster or a notice for a march, we’d let them, too!”

I fell out of my chair. My eyeballs popped out of their sockets. I lunged for his throat.

H is for human rights

Most people, no doubt, when they espouse human rights, make their own mental reservations about the proper application of the word ‘human.’ –Suzanne LaFollette

In 2008, I will fight for the rights of human beings I see being dismissed and excluded and not listened to. And killed for who they are.

And I will remember that H is for human rights. Not white, middle upper class, straight, fine brick home rights, but human rights.

Not different-but-enough-like-me-that-I-feel-comfortable rights, but human rights.

Not multicolored-but-white-inside rights, but human rights.

I will believe in equality, not just with my superiors—which is easy—but with those people I judge as inferior to me. I will believe in equality, not just with people who agree with me--which is easy--but with people who don't agree with me--which is more difficult.

I will remember that it takes action to ensure the human rights of others, not weariness, and not just talk. That it takes being for something, and not just being against something.

And I will remember that being neutral isn’t. As Paulo Freire reminds us, “Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral."

I was delighted to hear a college professor of mine, Jerry Caris Godard, speak this past Sunday. What a joy to reconnect after these many years out of school, to come to know former professors as adults, each of us grey-haired now. His topic was William Blake; he offered ten “angles of vision” into his “passionate entanglement” with Blake. It was number eight, among others, that caught my eye: “As my lifelong openness to others is amplified, I recognize (more explicitly than Blake) that ardent advocacy of gender equality is a necessary but not sufficient condition to set sexism aside!”

“So too,” he remarked, “with racism.”

It is not enough to want something.

It is not enough to want a portion of something. As Desmond Tutu said, “I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of rights.”

And it is not enough to look away from what is right in front of us, as Carl Rowan reminds us: “It is often easier to become outraged by injustice half a world away than by oppression and discrimination half a block from home.”

Intentions: Let’s start here. Now. Consider yourself part of the solution. Grant specificity and humanity to the Other.

From the last alphabet challenge: H is for horse

Start a diversity bookclub

In any community, there are diversity issues - the natives vs the newcomers, race issues that pit black against white, gay and straight clashes, classism - and often, we're not equipped to talk about them. Dialogue that approaches the issues head-on sometimes is too difficult, we avoid it, or we talk "at" rather than "with" those we perceive to be different from ourselves. We demonize the other and try to prove them wrong rather than understand their point of view. We don't bridge, but create both metaphoric and literal gated communities instead.

Can literature help?

Replace "they" with "we" with "I"

We all believe in equality, as long as it is equality with our superiors.

What is the tipping point?

I’ve long been fascinated by the fact that our Social Contract works—that people stop at four-way stop signs and allow the person to their right to move first, creating a sweet dance of understanding and civility. By the fact that social anarchy doesn’t occur more often at Labor Day Sales, by the fact that people generally queue in straight lines and take turns to buy their Big Macs, that we muster the wherewithal to tell people when they have spinach stuck between their teeth, and that we are a nation of givers and volunteers.

Choose the tuxedo

KELLI DAVIS, Class of 2005

“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us." –Herman Hesse

Sometimes when I wake up too early and read the newspaper before having that first cup of coffee, and particularly when I see a headline like “Lesbian’s Picture in Tux Cut from Yearbook,” I get confused and wonder what year it is. Could this be a headline in 2005? I'm just so thankful that we've solved the Mideast crisis, world hunger, and the AIDS epidemic so we can turn our attention to more vital concerns like lesbians in tuxedos. 

Be an effective ally for LGBT people

Read this if you’re interested in being a more effective advocate for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people. (www.soaw.org/new/ article.php?id=634)

These are some guidelines for people wanting to be allies for LGBT people. In today's world, LGBT issues are being discussed more than ever before. The discussions taking place in homes are often highly charged and emotional. This can be a scary topic and confusing to people on a very personal level. Being an ally is important, but it can be challenging. This list is by no means exhaustive, but provides a starting point. Add your own ideas and suggestions.

Don't assume heterosexuality. In our society, we generally assume that everyone we meet is heterosexual. Often people hide who they really are until they know they are safe to come 'out'.

Use gender neutral language when referring to someone's partner if you don't know the person well. In general, be aware of the gender language you use and the implications this language might have.

Educate yourself about LGBT issues. There are many resources available, reading lists and places to go for information. Don't be afraid to ask questions.

Explore ways to creatively integrate LGBT issues in your work. Establishing dialogue and educating about LGBT issues in the context of your other work can be a valuable process for everyone regardless of sexual orientation. Integration of LGBT issues into work you are doing instead of separating it out as a separate topic is an important strategy to establishing a safe place for people to talk about many issues in their lives.

Challenge stereotypes that people may have about LGBT as well as other people in our society. Challenge derogatory remarks and jokes made about any group of people. Avoid making those remarks yourself. Avoid reinforcing stereotypes and prejudices.

Examine the effect sexual orientation has on people's lives and development. Identify how race, religion, class, ability and gender intersect with sexual orientation and how multiple identities

Avoid the use of heterosexist language, such as making remarks implying that all people of the same gender date or marry members of the other gender.

Respect how people choose to name themselves. Most people with a same sex or bisexual orientation prefer to be called gay, lesbian, or bisexual rather than homosexual. 'Queer' is increasingly used by some gay, lesbian or bisexual people (especially in the younger generations), but don't use it unless you are clear that it is okay with that person. If you don't know how to identify a particular group, it's okay to ask. Don't expect members of any population that is a target of bias (e.g. gays, Jews, people of color, women, people with disabilities) to always be the 'experts" on issues pertaining to their particular identity group.

Avoid tokenizing or patronizing individuals from different groups.

Encourage and allow disagreement on topics of sexual identity and related civil rights. These issues are very highly charged and confusing. If there isn't some disagreement, it probably means people are tuned our or hiding their real feelings. Keep disagreement and discussion focused on principles and issues rather than personalities and keep disagreement respectful.

Remember that you are human. Allow yourself to not know everything, to make mistakes and to occasionally be insensitive. Avoid setting yourself up as an 'expert' unless you are one. Give yourself time to learn the issues and ask questions and to explore your own personal feelings. Ask for support if you are getting harassed or problems are surfacing related to your raising issues around sexual orientation. Don't isolate yourself in these kinds of situations and try to identify your supporters. You may be labeled as gay, lesbian or bisexual, whether you are or not. Use this opportunity to deepen your understanding of the power of homophobia and heterosexism. Make sure you are safe.

Prepare yourself for a journey of change and growth that will come by exploring sexual identityheterosexism and other issues of difference. This can be a painful, exciting and enlightening process and will help you to know yourself better. By learning and speaking out as an ally, you will be making the world a safer, more affirming place for all. Without knowing it, you may change or even save people's lives. 

Be nice to bellhops

We all believe in equality as long as it is equality with our superiors.

I’ll never forget being on a business trip years ago with a colleague and watching in horror as she—in her gray, beautifully tailored designer suit and heels—literally stamped her foot like a terrible, small child and screamed at a bellhop because he was taking too long to bring her bag. For a moment, I believe she might have levitated as she shrieked “do you know who I am?” (I feel fairly certain he would’ve loved to have answered that question aloud). She degraded him mercilessly in front of a crowd of people, dehumanizing him, using language I know she would never use with a member of the Board - until I somehow diverted her attention (“Look! A chicken!”). I wanted to crawl in a hole; I should have called her on it, but I didn’t. It changed my perception of her forever.

In that instant, I realized that how we treat fellow humans who are waiters and waitresses, flight attendants, janitors, receptionists, kids, elderly, beggars, fast food clerks,and bellhops—is in some important way a measure of our character. Or at least it is for me a harbinger of how people move around in the world, how they see and engage with others and – most importantly – how they see themselves.

Maybe I care so much about this because my father was a barber, serving other people and sweeping up their hair all those years, or maybe it’s just the realization that we humans have made up all these degrees and titles and levels and hierarchies and incomes we think are so important and all-defining. Somewhere, we seem to have lost sight of treating people as human beings, even (and perhaps especially) if they’ve misplaced our luggage momentarily. 

Sara Lawrence Lightfoot, the Emily Hargroves Fisher Professor of Education at  Harvard University, once gave a speech about respect entitled, “Will Anybody Know Who I Am?” In it, she remembered her father:

"I believe that respect is the single most important ingredient in creating authentic relationships and in building healthy communities. I remember feeling the power and majesty of respect—and the deep connections between respect and justice—at an unforgettable moment of grace. It was April of 1986, at the burial and requiem for my father Charles Radford Lawrence II. My brother Chuck was giving the eulogy, his intimate and loving view of a very public man. Chuck's voice cracked as he recalled one of our father Charles' loveliest qualities: "Our father Charles had a natural air of authority about him. He commanded respect without ever asking for it. In high school, my rowdiest friends—the guys who stole hubcaps and crashed parties—were perfect gentlemen in my father's presence. They'd stand and say ‘yes, sir, Dr. Lawrence,’ and answer his many questions about school and home and where their parents and grandparents were from. It was much later that I realized Dad's secret. He gained respect by giving it. He talked and listened to the fourth grade kid in Spring Valley who shined shoes the same way he talked and listened to a Bishop or college president. He was seriously interested in whom you were and what you had to say. And although he had the intellectual and physical tools to out-muscle a smaller person or mind, he never bullied. He gained your allegiance by offering you his strength, not by threatening to overpower you."

"In my brother's words I heard the recovery of rich meanings of respect. Through my tears, I heard the lovely symmetry and reciprocity, not the static
hierarchy. I heard the tender transfer of authority, not the power plays. I heard the deep curiosity—the need to know, the urge to understand—not the arrogance of knowing enough or knowing it all. And I heard the beauty in the ordinary, daily gestures, not the drama and glory of great, public moments. I am sure that my brother's words of gratitude and loving farewell, have burned their way into my heart, fueled my interest in respect, and shape the way I understand and interpret its meanings.”

 After her father’s death, Lawrence-Lightfoot continued to investigate the concept of respect, culminating in her moving book, Respect: An Exploration (Perseus 2000). I urge you to read it.

So much of life seems to play out around the concept of power—ours, our lack of it, our use of whatever power we think we have over others we feel we are “better” than. Why are we so willing to believe in power?

~*~ 37 Days: Do it Now Challenge ~*~

What are the names of the people who clean your office, apartment building, favorite restaurant, or child’s school? The people who serve us are people first. If you don’t know, find out this week and say hello to them, call them by name, thank them for the work they do, ask about their families. If you’re traveling this week, treat the gate agents, flight attendants and bellboys as you would your friends. Also, take a few moments to simply watch how others treat them. Are you giving respect to all those around you? Or using some small piece of power needlessly?

"When you are kind to others, it not only changes you, it changes the world."
--Harold Kushner

"Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not."
--Samuel Johnson