becoming bendy.

I had a revelation this past year. Two of them, actually. Okay, three. Or twelve.

One: My husband, John, created a video for our oldest daughter's graduation from high school, one documenting Emma's life since birth to that moment of leaving home, going to college, walking into the world on her own. As I watched this beautiful progression of her life, it became so, so clear to me that I have spent the last 18 years trying to hide behind other people in photographs, buying and wearing clothing I didn't love but that fit over my hips. Eighteen years. And probably, yes, longer even than that. Not walking in the world in jeans, a simple t-shirt and flip flops, but in every outfit covered by a big overshirt. Not wearing a bathing suit, never wearing shorts. Hiding. I watched it a few times, each time realizing that I knew exactly how I felt about my body at that point in time. "Oh, that's baby weight," I said until Emma was 10, for example. Every pound a witness to a heartbreak, a change, a fear, a celebration.

Two: I've spent the past year being tested for things. Ovarian cancer, endometrial cancer, and repeat. The morning they first tested for ovarian cancer, I sat in the parking lot sobbing, and then drove to the Chocolate Fetish and bought a nine-pack of chocolate covered caramels with sea salt and ate them all in the car. When I found out that test was negative two weeks later, I drove back to the Chocolate Fetish, bought another nine-pack of chocolate covered caramels with sea salt and ate them all in the car. I told Michael Scholtz, a brilliant wellness coach and personal trainer. "So," I said jokingly, "do you think this means I'm an emotional eater?" He smiled a quiet smile. "Well, Patti," he said, "if you had only eaten them when you thought you were dying, maybe not." He paused. "But the fact that you ate them when you found out you would live... yeah, maybe." We laughed. Yes.

Three: In November, I ended up in the emergency room with what I thought was a heart attack. It wasn't. But my blood pressure was very high: 188/144. I typically have very low blood pressure. And I am now on medication to bring it down. I am not fond of taking medication and want to find other less intrusive ways to lower my blood pressure. "I want you to sweat six days a week," my doctor said when giving me the prescription. I knew what he meant: lose weight.

There was an article in Wired Magazine a few years ago called "Change or Die." It reported, among other things, that 90% of heart patients, when told they had to change their diet and exercise or they would die, did not change anything. Not even the threat of death got them to change their Krispy Kreme couch potato habits. Not even death.

I will change. Yes, I surely will.

As I start 2011, I no longer have in front of me the "lose 50 pounds" mantra. It is gone, irrelevant. While I do know that my natural, happy, comfortable weight is less than where I am right now, but I am no longer measuring happiness--or the lack of it--by a number. I am not concerned with a size, but a measure of wellness.

I am measuring wellness from now on by how bendy I am.

What is bendy?

Bendy is flexible, strong, able to run when it wants to. Bendy feels connected to body, stretched, confident, able. Bendy is a body not in competition with other bodies, and not even in competition with itself. It just is. Stretched and tall and aware of its Self. Bendy is a body to go along with a head; it is learning from the neck down. It is embodied learning. Embodied living. Embodied mindfulness.

I'm spending 2011 becoming bendy. Again.

I'm documenting that journey here for myself, and for others who might find it helpful.

- - - - - - - - - -

1.1.11 

2 hour yoga workshop. I'm a beginner. When I realized I would get there late, I almost didn't go. My body-covering outfit was still wet in the dryer, leaving me with nothing but a tshirt that showed every bump and roll. Before today, I might have let that keep me home. I went. I got there 2 minutes before the class. I didn't know what to do, what equipment to get. Everyone was very quiet, sitting on their mats, surrounded by blocks and straps and blankies. The teacher came to the door, and I explained I was in a strange land, unable to read the signs. She asked my name, and helped me gather the things I would need. I stepped in the door, with my hips and my peace t-shirt that didn't cover them, and--of course--the only space left in the class was in front, right in front of the teacher. Not my corner back hiding spot. It was perfect, really. Perfect. I went. I stood in my space uninhibited by comparison and I followed her instructions. Within 30 minutes, I realized that this could save my life. My blood pressure an hour after the class was the lowest it has been in months.

Gym. Emma and I went to the YWCA later in the day so I could continue my daily walking (six days a week, alternating 20 and 30 minute walks on the treadmill). Today: 5 minutes on the elliptical, a machine that kills me; and 15 minutes on the treadmill, no incline, 3.4 mph. The woman on the treadmill next to me was running at 8.5 mph. I was happy with my 3.4 mph. I was happy that I went. That I had committed to it, and that I went.

Food. I eat a vegetarian diet, and have since 1976. Vegetarian does not automatically equal healthy. I have decided to make more vegan choices in 2011 to support my moral beliefs about animal products and speciesism. I am opening the opportunity to become fully vegan this year. And I am open to the fact that I may fall short of that. I realized after the yoga workshop today that the kind of attention to the body that yoga provides is so supportive of a focus on mindful eating, that the two are related in a way I had not anticipated. I live my life in my brain, not in my body. Or I have, for the past 30 years. So I am committing to mindful eating in 2011. That may take many forms. It won't be linked to deprivation or extreme diets, this I know. It will be linked to fresh fruits and vegetables in far greater numbers than I have eaten in the past and to drinking more water. It will be linked to eating when I'm hungry, seeing food as fuel for this body. Today's visit to the grocery store was a pleasure: apples, pears, bananas, berries, lettuce, red peppers, cucumbers, asparagus, edamame. The colors were delicious.

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Comments

[Erin Russell]

So happy to have recently found you, your writing, and your fascinating insight. Bendy sounds wonderful.

[Beth]

Atta girl! I'm approaching wellness this year from another direction but with the same goal in mind: making it about how I feel, not numbers, not a number on a scale, not a number on a tag in a pair of jeans. Just a healthy body that can do what I ask it to do, without the need for me to make old-man sounds in order to get up from the couch.

[kira]

Oh, gosh, darling! I can totally relate. About 5 years ago, I had to have surgery...and it lasted a longer time because they found abnormal tissue growth that needed to get out of there! I'd gone from fretting to freaking out, and when I heard about that after the surgery, I went on a binge eating what I wanted, worried about the biopsy test results. Thankfully, my last two have been negative.

It was this life-changing event that brought me to the world of art and creativity and made me into the woman I am today. So I am so excited for you, knowing what is in store, what changes will happen, and I can't wait to follow along on your adventure!

[Elizabeth Marie]

I love the honesty in this post, Patti. Your journey seems "doable." Gives me hope for myself, that I can figure out a way toward healthful living without feeling overwhelmed.

[Linda R.]

You are not someone who I thought of as someone who needs to lose weight? I on the other hand am one of the people they were writing about in the article that said change or die and they did nothing.....I am so sick of beginning every year with this focus and weighing more, and having serious health issues slam against me. Why can't I get this right???? Thanks for this post - it got me thinking ;-)

[lisa field-elliot]

Patti, I am so moved by your candor. I, too, have spent too many years hiding in my body, allowing it to carry the weight of my bigness instead of living out my wholeness. This is my year to really shift, also. To be more bendy as you say, to change the relationship to one of loving presence from one of punitive penance. I look forward to following your journey--and sharing some of mine along the way.
much love.

[Lynne Gillis]

You make it possible for me to see myself and my path to a healthier me in a whole new light... one that is supportive; loving; reasonable. Thank you for that. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[Katherine]

Isn't it nice that bendy isn't a number but a state of being and thinking?

[gwyn]

Well done Patti! Your attitude is just right. Baby steps and no false expectations. I too am returning to a healthier life style. I did yoga class 5 times a week for 4 years and gave up my membership last spring to save money. I told myself I would practice at home with Rodney Yee and I did, but not very often and then less so. I also hurt my back in June and then stopped doing pretty much anything. No walking. Definitely no running. No yoga. Then my diet started going downhill. Blah, blah, blah. The good news is I caught myself before I gained back the 35 pounds I lost 2 years ago. It is not about the weight but the truth is the pounds will shed when eating well and exercising. They just will. Lets be healthy this year!!!

[Nancy]

Patti, thanks for this post (and the one on 1.2.11). You put to words how I have felt most of my life; big shirts to cover rolls and bumps and very unbendy! I decided to do last year what you are deciding to do this year; lose it. I did go by the numbers because that's what worked for me. I can now wear a tee-shirt without feeling the need to hide and it's glorious! I want you to know that is it SO worth the work (and it IS work) to loose the rolls. I feel better, I look better and feel like I've been reborn! Seriously, it's that good. What I would like to do now is become bendy!! I am totally our of shape in every way imaginable. I look forward to reading your blog and your progress; perhaps too in 2011, I can conquer the exercise mountain!! Thank you for taking the time to write and share it with your cyber community!

Here's to a healthy 2011 for all!!

[Lori Gillen]

Thank you so much for starting this blog, Patti. I have a very negative body image and when I go to exercise classes, I end up right in the front facing myself in the mirror. I stopped doing one class because I didn't like looking at my fat self, but now I am starting Zumba, and when I see myself in the reflection of the mirror and that negative voice inside me starts to speak, I shut it up by saying "Elizabeth Edwards was not a thin woman, but she was a very beautiful one." So far so good in keeping that voice quiet. Thank you for allowing me to take this journey with you.

[Susan]

I Patti: I hope to be walking alongside you in 2011, at least some of the way. I have had the same revelation as I looked through pictures of myself in the past year (thankfully few) and compared to my 1982 self, and my husband said WOW, you were THIN. Too thin, I replied, but at the time I seem to recall not feeling thin at all.
so, to the store I go for those colorful foods, and begin myself to bend again.

[Sylvia]

Thank you, Patti. I too have gone through the years hiding .... and knowing that the 3lbs, the 5lbs were gradually making headway. If it had been 20lbs all at once, I am sure I would have reacted sooner but the slow, gradual increase is a sneaky thing. Then, one looks back on the pictures and I have found a stranger looking back at me. Someone who looks like me but is heavier and older looking, weaker than I imagined.
I want to be well, and strong and able to embrace the seasons without covering. Thank you for this and I am going to join you on the "Bendy" path. I love fruit and vegetables, how did I forget that?
I saw a quotation somewhere that I loved, "If you don't take care of your body, where are you going to live?"

Thank you for this and the time to get "bendy" is now. You are such an inspiration. :)

[Renee]

I love changes that are so empowering! I too was vegetarian (for 12 years) but toward the end got more and more ill and discovered I was allergic to dairy. I have been vegan for 3 years. You can be an unhealthy vegan too so I had to be careful to avoid those pitfalls. Eating more vegetables is on my vision board for 2011 and continuing my healthy exercising. One last thing for all the women out there. I am an artist and have spent many hours drawing nude women of all shapes and sizes, and colors. Every single one of them has been so beautiful they take my breath away and bring tears to my eyes. Why can't we see how beautiful we all are right now at this moment? Yes, we need to eat well and be strong and fit too. The world needs us.

[Sharon]

I look forward to following--okay joining--you on this journey. I need to make the same changes and I think bendy is a mighty fine and affirming goal. Thanks so much for sharing.

[Kim Mailhot]

I used to be so bendy. 10 years ago, when I met David, I was bendy. I was still considered a "plus" size woman (hate every single one of those labels - maybe round is okay) but I was sexy, and able to run up the stairs without puffing, and had a firm butt, and was bendy, damn it. Oh, my Friend, are you about to inspire the next big change in my life journey ? It just may be ! A Quest for Bendy....Onward !

[Kelly Davies]

Take it one day at a time- congratulations on starting your real life- just think what you'll accomplish when you quit hiding your full light :-)

[blue girl]

Go, Patti, go! I'm right there with you sister!

[Kathryn]

Good for you! I recently began following Geneen Roth's Eating Guidelines. Very simple. No pressure, no measurement. And in one month (I only check once a month) I had lost 11 pounds. I highly recommend the guidelines. And her book, Women Food and God.

[Terry Hartley]

Thank you for your honesty, Patti. I would like to join you on this journey. The first time I did yoga, I felt lighter than I had in years. It made me fall in love with what my body could do and helped me to let go of what it looked like. I felt like a kid again--I remembered how I was just so fascinated with my body's ability when I would play. I have never left a yoga class feeling worse than when I went in-I always get something beneficial from the practice.
*Love the term 'bendy.'

[Mary M =)]

It's amazing to me how much your writing resonates with my life. I evaluated where I was at the beginning of the school year and committed to changing my health. I've lost weight, am more bendy (amazing how much more flexible even a yogi can be with less in the way), and can now run for 30 minutes without stopping. For me it's also about getting rid of what I've been using to hide from the world and, perhaps, protect myself. I'm working on shedding not just pounds, but also ways of thinking and being that don't serve me anymore. It's an exciting journey.

I can't wait to see you as we both continue on this journey -- I'd love to do another Mara!

Love from Alabama!

[Noreen]

Wishing you wellness for ever Patti. ... and I serendipitously found Chocolate Fetish while in Asheville in November. Enjoy, savor and be bendy. Be very bendy.

[Wesley Satterwhite]

Thank you for this! As always, you are inspiring! I too am beginning a wellness (aka bendy) project in 2011. My blog on the subject won't start until Feb 1 but it will be at www.familywellnessproject.com. My project is an ambitious one: to see noticeable improvement in wellness across the family (starting with me) in the areas of body, mind, spirit, relationships, and money. For body: like you I know I need to lose weight to be healthy but I won't be judging that by numbers on the scale. I am not vegetarian but I am making much better food choices, eating whole foods, less meat, better meat, and improving my emotional eating (I completely understand the Chocolate Fetish anecdote). We've already taken some steps int he spirit and money (and relationships) areas, too, which feels good here on Jan 2.

So, here's to a bendy, or well, or healthy, or whatever 2011. Keep up the good work--you are inspiring to others through your honesty and humanity.

[wholly jeanne]

i've got these pants, see, that now look like puddle jumpers. not cause they shrunk in the wash, but because i didn't.

shrink, i mean.

so i found an elliptical trainer machine (a.k.a. the devil's convertible) for $35 at the thrift shop and that am/pm yoga dvd. the one with 15 minute yoga routines - one for morning, one for later. if all goes according to plan, come august i'll be ready to double each segment and maybe add a lunchtime line dance.

(you go, girlfriend. pave the way for that heart to hum on its own again without assistance. and hey, i'm gonna' drop by here for refueling along the way.)

[Thomai]

The aspect of me being vegan and vegetarian, macrobiotic for a time, blood type diet too...was the not so flexible/ adaptive aspect of it.

After 20 yrs, I decided not to call myself vegetarian and ate what my body needed towards the end of my dance career. I was much healthier listening closer and eating the ocassional salmon or red meat. To this day, even as I over eat everything else, I'm unable to over eat animal products.
Thank you 20 + years of strict vegan and vegetarianism. I'm still mostly a veg head. To become less heavy physically, I'll stop the over dosing on bread, "snack" foods and sweets.

I have faith in you Patti, if you want to be more vegan, it will happen. Your mindfulness is beneficial. As you know, peace begins with acceptance.