Am I ever really hungry?
I'm not sure. That's not true: I am sure. I'm never really hungry. Not true hunger like many in the world without adequate food feel, no. Not even hungry in the sense of needing food to survive, not ever that. Privilege is what this is called, this not trying to survive. I don't let myself feel hunger; I eat on a schedule that has nothing to do with hunger, not really.
I watch 7-year-old Tess. She only eats when she's hungry. She only eats until she feels satisfied. No finishing food simply because it is there. A candy bar? She'll eat half of it, and run off to play, saving the other half, looking at me sternly and saying--from experience--"Don't eat it." This not-finishing is alien to my adult experience.
Food has not been simply fuel for me for a long time. It has been something other than that. A relief, a replacement for smoking long ago, a stuffer, a protection, a celebration and a grieving.
I focused on hunger today. Not eating out of boredom or anxiety or habit or because it is in front of me, but out of a real hunger.
- - - - -
1.2.11
Yoga: Rodney Yee a.m./p.m. yoga DVD. I did the a.m. program this evening because I'm not as happy doing the p.m. one--somehow it seems too hard right now and the woman who leads it irritates me somehow because she assumes I know and I can. I don't know, and I can't. And that's not fair to her; I'm sure she's a lovely woman. Rodney Yee is very bendy, in an achievable or approximational way. I'm not sure that's a word.
Gym: This is my day off from the gym. I toyed with the idea of going anyway, and stopped myself. I relaxed, instead. I can feel the stretches and strength work from yesterday's yoga class in my legs and shoulders.
Food: Breakfast was a chopped apple and chopped banana mixed together in a beautiful, simple white bowl. And black coffee in a mug made by a friend. Lunch was edamame and red peppers, cucumbers, and olives, a vegetarian sausage patty and 2 clementines. Water at every meal. Hot peppermint tea during the day, which I love for its hotness and its sweetness. Dinner was simple, simple: canteloupe, cucumber, red pepper, clementines, and a small dish of pesto pasta with tomato sauce. There is a simple joy in slicing vegetables and fruit. My evening snack was a clementine and hot peppermint tea.
good morning, Patti! Thanks for writing this, sharing this with us. I hope you will continue to be good to yourself and cherish yourself. If you decide to build your yoga DVD library, I recommend Paul Grilley's yin yoga. a really wonderful practice.
Posted by: Brava! | 01/03/2011 at 07:09 AM
Patti, I highly recommend checking out @joyoushealth - she is a certified holistic nutritionist who shares wonderful information about nurturing our bodies through food. I really love her.
Best of luck on your wellness journey... I'm on a similar journey, with a goal of developing a regular yoga practice this year (3x a week). I'm mostly focused on taking studio classes but if I come across any DVDs I really like, I'll let you know!
Posted by: Amanda | 01/03/2011 at 08:45 AM
Good point about never feeling hunger. It is a privilege.
I read in some yoga magazine about never eating so much that you extinguish the gentle burn of hunger completely. I've not managed to do it.
I have to say though, that eating regimen doesn't sound like enough food to me. I think I'd probably get too hungry and then binge. I'm not a diet expert though. Best wishes and thanks for making me think.
Posted by: Patti Murphy | 01/03/2011 at 09:11 AM
I read this and I am inspired by two things: First, the awareness (without judgment) that you're bringing to each day. I read your words, and I find myself literally stunned by the potential power of letting go of that punitive voice that takes up all too much space in my head. I love that you are being so kind and gentle with yourself.
Secondly, I'm inspired by your commitment to adapting this healthier lifestyle and food choices to fit you. Not to fit someone else. To fit you. That notion of modification and authenticity blends with the awareness part, for sure. But there's something more. In reading your words, I feel such a sense of relief. I feel like it's okay if I'm not following PROGRAM XYZ; it's okay if I listen to my body and use that as my reference point for beginning, and continuing down this path to a healthier me.
Thank you, Patti, as always, for sharing this. I feel like I'm not so alone.
Posted by: Lynne Gillis | 01/03/2011 at 09:41 AM
Sounds perfect Patti.When I started paying attention to my eating around 3 years ago I realized my biggest problem was portions aka finishing. I am not naturally a big eater and can forget to eat for most of a day, but I used to make up for it by finishing when I did eat. By eating as if there would never again be whatever it was, often fried potatoes of some sort. So now I pay attention to feeling full. I eat slower and chew thoroughly. I don't eat all the fries, and I often get 2 meals out of restaurant food.
I agree with Patti M though in that sounds a bit strict on the diet. It is perfectly fine, but don't totally deprive your self of luxury food. The 9 pack of salt caramels can last 9 days if you let it :-) LOL I should mention I am far from an expert, but I seem to have a lot of opinions on this :-) So while I'm at it yoga can be like getting the right therapist. All instructors don't fit, so go with the ones that do and leave the rest.
Posted by: gwyn | 01/03/2011 at 10:26 AM
Hi - So interesting that you are writing about what is real hunger, because I decided to fast today, just drinking a cleansing powder mixed in water 6-8 times a day. I am noticing how I feel when my stomach tells me I'm hungry and my first feeling is one of fear, so I have been focusing on why this is so, and I think it's because when I felt less than happy in the past I was always comforted with food. Or maybe when I was a baby I was hungry, and my needs weren't meant because I could only communicate my need to eat through hunger. I don't know. I am not a psychologist nor do I claim to play one on TV. But, it's interesting for me to sit with my hunger and note what comes up for me. Thank you for giving me this venue to share.
Posted by: Lori Gillen | 01/03/2011 at 11:07 AM
Sorry, there was a mistake in my last post:
"I could only communicate my need to eat through hunger" should be:
"I could only communicate my need to eat through crying."
Carry on :-)
Posted by: Lori Gillen | 01/03/2011 at 11:09 AM
Yaye for Tess. My son was and still is (at 22) exactly that way about food. At Tess's age not only did he only eat as much as he needed, he ate what his body needed. I helped by always having whole veg foods available within his reach at all times. I was the same way till I turned 40.
Something changed when I stopped being a dancer, yoga teacher and athlete, and stopped struggling with asthma symptoms (yaye modern meds). 5 yrs ago I learned to enjoy food for the joy of it and started eating emotionally.
Today, I repeat what I shared with my yoga students, "accept where you are"
and I have
"Let go"
sounds easy enough
"gently create changes where you can, if you'd like to"
I am.
Posted by: Thomai | 01/03/2011 at 12:00 PM
Just curious - is Tess vegetarian? Ben has been home for 2 weeks - he's vegetarian and no eggs (not quite vegan). I worry that he's anemic and needs more iron/protein. He works so hard - meditation is his salvation. He just doesn't seem to eat that much - and is 6'4". Do you have energy boost tips?
Posted by: Peggy | 01/03/2011 at 07:33 PM
Oh Rodney...I do love a bendy man in the morning. Heck...in the evening and afternoon too. So glad you found him...yes the PM lady is annoying.
Posted by: dancing kitchen | 02/08/2011 at 12:18 AM