Bust your toast rules
“Any fool can
make a rule and any fool will mind it.” – Henry David Thoreau
As my plane touched down in Washington, D.C., on June 25th, I could see the heat waving to me from the tarmac, a
siren song of sweat and grumpiness. The jet way to the terminal at National Airport offered complimentary sauna services with humidity of 212%, or so it seemed.
It made for a day in which
even your sweat hurts, stings, burns, and in which people just plain bother
you.
So we sweated our way to
another café near there that I used to eat at when I lived in D.C., a place
that shall remain nameless unless you happen to know of a place near Dupont Circle
with a bookstore in the front and café in the back or unless you look at the
photograph of a menu accompanying this essay. I’m just saying.
crowd was
dreaming of 5pm. “Could I get you something to drink?” the waiter asked. “Do
you have Earl Grey tea?” I asked. He nodded yes. “Then I’ll have that.” “A cup
of coffee, black,” David added. We talked as he left: “I’m a little
hungry—didn’t get anything before my flight—but I don’t want to eat a meal
because we’re meeting Julie for dinner. I just need a little something to tide
me over,” I said. “I just ate,” David said. “I was so hungry I was shaky when I
got off the train and needed to get something fast.”
Blink.
[An aside, like those wacky choruses do in Greek
tragedies: An advertisement for this eating establishment reads: “It’s our
pleasure to serve you whatever your pleasure.” Evidently this conveniently
excludes toast.]
Suddenly, on that hot humid Washington day, I had been transported to a Denny’s in Eugene, Oregon, my name was Bobby Dupea, I was a piano prodigy, and I was starring in a movie called "Five Easy Pieces":
Waitress: No substitutions.
Bobby: What do you mean? You
don't have any tomatoes?
Waitress: Only what's on the menu.
You can have a number two — a plain omelet. It comes with cottage fries, and
rolls.
Bobby: Yea, I know what it comes
with, but it's not what I want.
Waitress: Well I'll come back when
you make up your mind.
Bobby: Wait a minute, I have
made up my mind. I'd like a plain omelet, no potatoes on the plate. A cup of
coffee and a side order of wheat toast.
Waitress: I'm sorry, we don't have
any side orders of toast. I'll give you a English muffin or a coffee roll.
Bobby: What do you mean
"you don't make side orders of toast"? You make sandwiches, don't
you?
Waitress: Would you like to talk to
the manager?
Bobby: You've got bread. And a
toaster of some kind?
Waitress: I don't make the rules.
Bobby: OK, I'll make it as easy
for you as I can. I'd like an omelet, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on
wheat toast, no mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.
Waitress: A number two, chicken sal
san. Hold the butter, the lettuce, the mayonnaise, and a cup of coffee.
Anything else?
Bobby: Yeah, now all you have to
do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken
salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules.
Waitress: You want me to hold the
chicken, huh?
Bobby: I want you to hold it
between your knees.
Of course, in that
version of the toast story, the waitress indignantly orders them to leave, to
which I (played by Jack Nicholson) knock the drinks off the table with a sweep
of my arm. When Bobby gets back in the car:
Hitchhiker
in the back seat:
Fantastic that you could figure that all out and lie that down on her so you
could come up with a way to get your toast. Fantastic.
Bobby: Yea, well I didn't get
it, did I?
Hitchhiker
in the back seat:
No, but it was very clever. I would've just punched her out.
I was Yossarian trying to save a bombadier: “There was only
one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified
that a concern for one’s own safety in the face of dangers that were real and
immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be
grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer
be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more
missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he was sane he would have to fly them. If
he flew them he was crazy and didn’t have to; but if he didn't want to he was
sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of
this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful
whistle. ‘That’s some catch, that Catch-22,’ he observed.
‘It’s the best there is,’ Doc Daneeka agreed."
“Well, then,” I said simply. “We wouldn’t want to
break every rule known to man.” He left for his Cigarette Time which evidently
extends far past Toast Time and isn’t subject to the vast vagaries of, oh, say,
Customer Time. I quietly reached into my bag, pulled out The Camera, and
started making photographs of the menu, knowing that the Toast Rule and Side
Rule would be a source of great inspiration to me much later in life, like now.
"I was just in SF and thought of that fabulous breakfast. We took dozens of cabs
but I believe we walked that day to a place you must have seen or visited
earlier—it just felt so perfect. It was a jazzy little, unassuming bistro kind
of a place. French. Jazz in the evenings. Artsy. I went back once years later
with a dear friend. When the waiter came, you smiled and kind of went into a
zone. I just remember your hands. Calmly explaining that you wanted a sliced
avocado and white toast. I loved the fact that avocado was not on the breakfast
menu and that we were not in white bread country. But what's a menu
anyway? Just suggestions for a woman like you. To the waiter's credit, he
didn't blink and it immediately became one of my favorite breakfast memories. I
must tell you that your imagining what you wanted, rather than what was
offered, transformed my pattern of eating out. What is it in our culture that
encourages us to settle for that which others think is suitable—on a menu or in
anything else? Are there so many of us in a hurry that conformity keeps
the order?”
That’s some rule, that toast rule. It’s the best
there is.
This makes me think about my own Toast Rules - those rules I carry in my head because "it's just the way we do things here". I feel a rule-breaking coming on.
Posted by: deirdre | 06 July 2007 at 01:20
Before I had even gotten to your challenge, I knew that this afternoon, I AM HAVING A SNACK OF AVOCADO AND TOAST at said cafe. I'll let you know if I get thrown out....
Posted by: The Purloined Letter | 06 July 2007 at 07:46
I'm imagining (with great glee, I might add) a mad rush on that un-named cafe, everyone ordering toast and avocado slices at all hours of the day! A veritable melee will ensue.
Seriously, this was a great post to encourage us all to reconize and break away from absurd rules, large and miniscule. I'm starting my day on a hunt for rules to break - or at least bend ;)
Posted by: Becca | 06 July 2007 at 08:24
The greatness of toast is its appropriateness for all three meals and snacks and tea...
Posted by: Joy | 06 July 2007 at 11:28
Paging Dr. Digh....Paging Dr. Digh. It is time. It is time for Lao Tzu.
Posted by: Jim Ley | 06 July 2007 at 13:45
deirdre - yes, we all have them - they are also well hidden...!
the purloined letter - i can't wait to hear!
becca - i, too, am imagining a toast and avocado run...
joy - indeed, toast rules!
jim - um...huh?! ;-) 'splain...
Posted by: patti digh | 06 July 2007 at 13:49
I've been reading for posts for awhile and, I confess, anonymously. But my love for this particular post overwhelms the shyness, and I must step up to say thank you. It almost makes me wish I still lived in D.C. so that I too could have a lovely mid-day afternoon of book browsing and toast requesting. But I'm pretty happy in my little perch, and not of urban mind these days. Instead, I shall find much merriment in a rural rendition of sorts - sleuthing down avocados, baking bread and seeking huckleberries. Thanks again for a lovely post!
Posted by: aileen | 06 July 2007 at 18:39
Man follows Earth.
Earth follows heaven.
Heaven follows the Tao.
Tao follows what is natural.
If I have even just a little sense,
I will walk on the main road and my only fear
will be of straying from it.
Keeping to the main road is easy,
But people love to be sidetracked.
What is firmly established cannot be uprooted.
What is firmly grasped cannot slip away.
It will be honored from generation to generation.
Whatever is contrary to Tao will not last long.
Some things are not favored by heaven. Who knows why?
Even the sage is unsure of this.
I think a piece of toast might crunch real tasty now.
Posted by: Jim | 07 July 2007 at 00:31
I once asked a waitress for a slice of lemon for my iced tea...she responded :"I'm Sorry But We Don't Have Any Cut up."
(I was the Only customer in the diner...i
Blink,Blink. Chortle. Snort. Guffaw. Repeat.
I got laughing so hard they asked me to leave.
Years later..
I can't drive by the diner without busting into belly laughs.
Posted by: Ann Moore | 07 July 2007 at 00:36
Patti,
As a general rule, parmesan comes from comes from Northern Italy . . .
ah'm jes' sayin'
h
Posted by: howard h. | 07 July 2007 at 14:44
heh. in some ways, i feel pity for the waiter, who gains control in life by being the head poobah and enforcer of rules at a cafe.
but thank you, most of all, for the reminder to break our own toast rules.
Posted by: amy | 08 July 2007 at 12:27
I marvel at how you took an annoying experience with a rude waiter and turned it into a metaphor for life ... down with Toast Rules!! Bravo, JP
Posted by: JanePoe (aka Deborah) | 08 July 2007 at 13:32
yes ... last night I bought meranges, strawberries and creme frache and steak and when I got home I realised that I really wanted was pudding first so I did!
Other strange rules.. it was only when my brother said he was thinking about moving to my home city I thought 'Yippie now I can move away because he can look after my parents' who are in perfect health by the way. So somewhere I'd made up a rule that I should be here waiting to look after them....
Posted by: m | 08 July 2007 at 14:56
Wow. I went to their website and clicked on Cafe Menu, and I just love how it says, "It's our pleasure to serve you whatever you pleasure." They should follow their motto.
Thanks for making me think about my own Toast Rules.
Posted by: tali | 09 July 2007 at 13:46
Well, I live in the DC area and I've never heard of such a thing. I sure wish I'd have known you'd be in town, I would have made that toast and those avocado slices for you myself. How's that for hospitality? :)
Posted by: vfa | 09 July 2007 at 17:10
That is just too rich.
...and way full of life: thank you for your presentation!
Posted by: dan | 11 July 2007 at 13:09
Oh, your toast post is too good. I hope many others ask for the toast and avocado at said cafe on Dupont Circle. Thank you for the metaphor and the laugh-out-loud, completely spot-on writing.
Posted by: Emily | 15 July 2007 at 11:51
Hilarious! Totally hilarious. I wish I was in America and not Aussie land and I could go there. Too funny.
Posted by: Dawn | 20 July 2007 at 04:34
Once, I was buying something at Radio Shack, and the young man behind the counter asked me for my address. I told him I just wanted to pay for the item (which is what I always say). He said he couldn't sell it to me unless I gave him my address. Then, like Obi-Wan Kenobi, I said "Yes you can." Then, he rang up my purchase.
Posted by: Kurt | 24 July 2007 at 09:05
i loved the post, the whole hilarious story and the asides! i laughed out loud several times and i found the comments were just as interesting as your tale. tho i too was confused by jim L's obscure
comment-- did you ever find out what that is in reference to? also, you have given me a great snack idea for the future.
Posted by: jylene | 28 July 2007 at 18:38